Friday, September 19, 2008

Similarities and conclusions

Tyler and I,(he was mostly asleep), just watched "Into the Wild".  I am intrigued.  I wonder.  There are similarities between my life choices over the last couple of years and the choices that Alex makes.  The reasons that he does what he does are different, and so are the outcomes, but many of the intellectual conclusions are the similar, if not the same.  I went somewhere to find out about myself and about the world.  I have been back in school for close to a month now; removed from my loneliness for longer.  He was not connected to anyone at the end.  He thought that he could create his own happiness.  I tried.  We came to the conclusion that you can't be happy if there is no one to tell.  I realized that there were certain people that I needed to be able to tell.  Life is not complete without people.  We are communal beings.  Alex interacted with many people short periods of time. Despite this, he had a profound impact on some these individuals.  Ron wanted to adopt him for God's sake!  He never revisited them, or gat to tell them about his experiences after he left them.  In the last two years, I have come into contact with possibly thousands of people that I will never see again.  Some of them worked at gas stations I will never visit, but I had real relationships with some of them.  There are people that I will never forget, but may not see again: Rafael, brandon, Ashton, Ashley, Andy, Ben, Geoff, Marty, Matt, Laura, Laura (there were two), Mark, Renee, Dave, Dave's parents, Matt, Jared, Will, Cody, Rifki, Sayid, Marvin, Chris, Sam, Tiffany, Autumn, Derek.........I could go on for a long time.  The sad thing is I forget some of their names already, but I do not forget who I have become because of them.  I shared time and pieces of my life with these people and many, many others.  I am coming to the realization that there are many relationships that we cannot, will not, or sometimes should not hold onto and others that we can't escape.  There are people in my life I cannot live without.  If  you are on of them, thank you for loving me.  Most of all, I now realize how truly alone I am.  I will always be alone... except for God.  I say that nonchalantly, but that single statement may hold more truth than the rest of my words and actions put together.  No matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you, they will die, and before they die, they will never truly, TRULY, understand you.  I do not even understand me. How could another human being?  But God TRULY understands me.  He knows my sins and weaknesses and everything else...and He loves me in spite of it.  At the end of the movie, Alex comes to the conclusion that earthly happiness does not exist unless there is someone to share it with.  I am proud to say that I have found the people that I want to share my happiness with.  More importantly, I have found the person that I want to share everything with.  I believe that her role in my life will last much longer and be bigger than anyone that I have ever or may ever come in contact with.  Even more that this, I want to exist not so much with, but in God.  I am content, not with the life I am living, but with my freedom to participate in my own existence.  

Monday, September 8, 2008

I am pretty sure that very few people read this blog.  This information has not stopped me from being a little afraid to post.  I think that there is a fear in the back of my mind that if I am not careful, if I am too reckless about who I tell what, I will lose it all.  If I post this, then go to sleep, I might wake up to a different reality.  I guess that is kind of a silly thing to worry about huh.  Anyways, on with the blogging.  I have come to the conclusion that I am one of the most blessed people in the world.  I am not trying to sound cliche, and to some I may not.  I have a beautiful life.  For the first time, I am ready to commit my entire being to a human other than myself.  I am not scared of when the other shoe will drop, because I am wearing one, and you are wearing the other.  I am holding your hand so tight, not because I want you to believe that I will never let go, but because I never want to let go.  I wish I was talking to you or spending time with you right now.  This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.  In addition to this love that I get to experience, I  am truly enjoying and appreciating my education for the first time.  I am also constantly bombarded with desires to do things that I am quite sure not many people want to do.  I will not explain all of these for fear of making myself out to be a self-righteous, judgemental dickhead, which is, of course, always a possibility.  I know that God is doing big things in my heart and that if my plan for is to truly seek God's will through living my life, that I will always be able to praise Him.  Job is amazing.  I want that kind of faith.  

On a separate note, I think that some people should not be so childish.  Life is hard and it gets harder.  You may never get your happy ending, and the bitter, angry part of me wants you to be crushed when you realize that.  But if you are "falling for" every person that you meet, chances of you ending up with someone are high. Conversely, chances of you never really being happy are also high.  Honesty is the best medicine, but I doubt that you have ever truly been honest in your whole life.  Life goes on. I am a happy man. I hope that you are not.  This paragraph is directed at someone. If you do not know if you are that person, you are probably not.