It has been a very long time since my last post. Since then I have gotten engaged to the girl of my dreams, finished one semester and begun another. I am the luckiest, most blessed man/boy on the planet. She is the most gracious, pure-hearted, beautiful person I have ever known. It is true that lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same. God is still good and I still have an ugly, black heart. I am filled with evil desires, bitterness and sarcastic, semi-serious hate for most everything around me. The more I realize how sinful I am, the more I dislike myself. What would God say about these feelings of intense self-loathing? Would He encourage me to remember the grace that I have through the cross, or would He say, “DUH!!! You freakin suck man. Get used to it!” I think that the former is probably closer to an actual Godly response, but there is no real way of knowing. All of these feelings are affecting my perspective. Since all of life is influenced by one’s perspective, the way that I interact with people is changing. I am not at all sure that I like the changes I see in my life. I should be moving towards Christ, but I often feel like I am running away from Him; fast and far. I desperately want the Holy Spirit to come down to me the way that it did to the believers in Acts. When they received the Holy Spirit, they experienced an immediate change in perspective. This change often led people to pursue things that they never would have if not for the Spirit of God.

Is this possible, if anyone feels that they are truly interacting with the Spirit on a day-to-day basis, please contact me. I would love to learn from you. I have a sneaking suspicion that the way to this kind of relationship is to treat God like an imaginary friend. Friends love you. They can be confided in and trusted. A true friend will tell you the truth; no matter how painful it might be for you to hear it. God is not my friend. I treat him like an ATM. I go to him when I need something, but I only ever get what I already had. Sometimes it is good to get all of my thoughts as they come to me.

I wish that I knew someone who truly understood what I wanted out of my relationship with God. Scratch that… What I think an ideal relationship with god looks like. I believe that there is an entirely other, or separate, dimension that it is possible to enter into. Another way of saying it might be: I think that if I could tear down the sky, I might be able to look God in the face and He might say something like, “Hello David, you found me. And by the way, did I mention that I love you…” I want to look God straight in the face. I want Him to wrap His massive arms around me. I want to live in His everlasting love. What would it be like to bask in the glow of God every second of every day? I hope I can find out, starting now…