this is new... so are these.

I am David Jonathan Burch. I have a family and a home. I was brought up by certain people with certain views, I have lived in certain places and had experiences that are unique to me. No one has ever lived or will ever live a life that has the exact details of the life that I am currently living. I have not always known these things. I mean, I'm sure that I "knew" that I have a life that is not going to be duplicated, but I just realized it over the course of the past couple of months, actually the past nine or ten months.

Have you ever been talking to someone about a trip that they went on or an amazing experience that they had or someone that they knew and thought to yourself, "Man, someday I want to, am going to, would like to do, THAT, or SOMETHING like THAT. 

the THAT and the SOMETHING are important because they mean something. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for a long time I have focused on the THATs and the SOMETHINGs that I wanted to do someday. I missed out on some of my own life because I was so concerned with the future.  I have decide to try my best to let God take me where he wishes and do with me what he pleases. 

I think that I have two different mindsets that contradict this idea. The first is when I am thinking about the life of future David, the person that I will inevitably be someday, or in about a minute. I am either motivated to to something solely because of what it will get me in the end, or I am worried about what will happen if x or y occurs. What will that do to future David.  This mindset inherently contradicts the idea of living in the moment. There are days, especially at work, when I go into robot-mode, or something similar to auto-pilot.  I do things that I have done so many things that I don't have to think about them, I do things and commit certain information to memory subconciously.  I live my life but fail to take part in takes place. 

The second mindset is one of almost intense concentration on nothing. It is paying close attention to the details of ten episodes of a television series in one sitting. I t might be searching the internet for hours trying to find information about obscure bicycle parts.  Neither of these are in and of themselves bad things. I like television a lot, probably too much, and the Internet can be a great tool in thousands of ways. but they are not reality. Watching moves and tv, surfing the internet, and even listening to music are things that I do to escape from the reality of my life, which is not a bad reality to have to live in.  Still, I often choose to think and participate in a false-reality instead of me.  If you don't understand what  mean, consider a five year old watching a horror movie. There is no doubt that they will be scared. Why are they scared? because they feel that it is real.  It is the same reason that tv shows aren't constantly changing characters and plot lines within a series.  The makers want you to get involved with the characters, get to know them, learn to have emotion about them. For instance, I hate, and I mean really really hate Micheal Scott and George Costanza. The fact that you probably know who these "people" are without any reference is exactly my point.  Any ways, the fact that I have any emotion about made-up people in unrealistic situations is interesting to me.  Sometimes I find it hard to feel emotion about things that are actually happening to me, butIf King of the Hill comes on, you better believe that I am at least somewhat compelled to take part in 22 min of the ridiculous situation that Hank  has to deal with.  These are things that I hate about myself, things that I have a hard time communicating because they are unique to me, kind of. I feel that it is not possible to relate all of my thoughts . I want to be honest but I don't have enough time energy or words to externalize all of my feelings about any issue. I could sit here and write forever, If you are still reading this you are probably wondering where I am headed. I have changed the subject I have lost my train of thought , then picked it back up a half mile down the road... In summation I want to live and participate in my life, and feel every emotion, no matter how bad it hurts.  I want to do things because God wants me to. I want , I want , I want.  Even my deepest desires are selfish. I want to help people. I don't want to waste time. I want to show those around me how God has changed me. I want to be so close to God that I can barely stand it. I want my life to fall apart, I want to fail at the right times, I want to die alone, I want to not ruin anyone's life, I want to take no chances, I want to spend my life with the right person, I want to be successful in the right things. I want to not feel contradiction. I want to be uncomplicated. I want to do all these things, and many more, but I only want to do them if God wants me to. I guess that the bottom line is, I don't know what is going to happen to me in the future, but god promises that as long as I want to want what he wants and do what He wants me to do. I should be ok. and maybe I can even bring joy to someone...